He disappeared without a tres! Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. Bec Hill: Some of my best friends are vegan. I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: I bet you £5 you cant guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things. Here are some more Bad jokes Created by Just A Boy.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. It's either my mom, or my dad. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits! Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? If beauty were measured in seconds, you'd be an hour! Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Which has confused a lot of guys that have tried to start fights with me. So I went down my local ice-cream shop and said: I want to buy an ice-cream. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. What kind of cats like to go bowling? I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. Tim Vine: Ive just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose? What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati? The ones who learn by observation. The owner got tired of the w hole business! Strangers have the best candy. Work like no one's watching, love like you need the money, and dance like you're being hurt. Here are 50 of the most terrible jokes and one-liners from Fringe-goers have groaned at in recent years. What bone will a dog never eat? What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car? Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it. I thought: Thats unlikely - its a basic skill, isnt it? Do you know any other classless one-liner jokes? What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk. Andi Osho: Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. What do you call the best butter on the farm? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? Some people are like Slinkies. I picked it up and said: Whos speaking please? Pull the pin and throw it back.
What did the rug say to the floor? I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? If you throw them, it could spell disaster. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. Hot, because you can catch a cold. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. As there are five people in my family, it must be one of them.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan! Ive got a friend whos fallen in love with two school bags - hes bisatchel. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. I thought: I cant turn that down.
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Sarah Millican: I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. They're trying to get away from the noise. She was wearing massive gloves. Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. For example, is basically a résumé of the pathetic attempts at humor that people who interact with me daily have to deal with. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance? That's why our new email newsletter will deliver a mobile-friendly snapshot of inews.